Haiku #4

Dreading the day
When I would describe us
In past tense

The Red Dress

The red dress

With strappy laces

Going along the bend

Of my delicate neck

The red dress

With block print

Long and slender

Along my limbs

The red dress

Accompanied by

Brass earrings

That go ching ching

The red dress

Curly hair falls on it

Along the neck

Covering my dark skin

The red dress

And time of dusk

Birds flying home

Sun setting behind the buildings

The red dress

Black kohl framing big eyes

Matching red lipstick

French manicured nails

The red dress

Waiting for compliments

That redirect towards

Those under thirty girls

The red dress

Posing in anticipation

Of a text

“You look stunning”

The red dress

Demanding her

Pamper me, pamper me

We go to the salon

The red dress

Enters the dinner table

Blush berry sangria

And a friend’s fears for company

The red dress

Hails a cab

At about midnight

Covers up her chest

The red dress

Looks in the mirror

Falls in love

With herself

The red dress

Is off my skin

Tucked in bed

In the company of dreams 

Travelogues of a manic depressive girl in Sri Lanka

Crazy in the morning
Spirited in the afternoon
Calm at sunset
Sleepy by night

As the window changes scenery
Her mind changes moods
Beaches to hills to wildlife
Her mind is rough, sunny, hot
Then cool, chilly, frozen
And then it pours!

She goes upstream, then downstream
With the current, against the current
Drifting, drowning
Ebbing, receding

The high tides of her mind are dangerous
She dresses, undresses, over dresses
And then she walks in her night gown

Slow like the elephants of Pinnawale elephant orphanage
Helpless like the albino turtle of Kosgoda turtle hatchery
Mischievous like the squirrel that loves fries in Mirissa beach
Indomitable like the blue whales of Mirissa; blowing air
She needs to come to the surface to breathe  just like those whales

She is deep like the oceans of Hikkaduwa
Violent like the waves of Kogolla
And then blue like the beaches of Bentota

Smashing like the mighty Devon waterfalls
Transient like the tea leaves of Nuwara Eliya;
Morose like the noise of the car engine on the south Srilankan highway
Blushing pink like the magnificent sunset
Stubborn as the rock of Sigiriya
Calm as the Buddha statues in every street corner
High maintenance like the precious gem stones
Old world and arty like Galle's dutch lanes
Attention-seeking like the cat in Negombo

She is Sri Lanka
Lanka is a mirror
Sri Lanka is a million emotions that converge
Like a tear drop in the Indian Ocean

The Cultprit is the Victim and the Victim is My Mother

Mom says; "you have to have love to give it"
And that just says it all

What if there was a machine
that manufactured love
what if you could buy it in weight
what if you could hoard it and create inflation
what if you could store it in pots
Sow it in land and grow it

What if there was abundance of love
So much love that it needn't be a trade
so much love that it would rain
if you could give it without receiving it
if you could have it without deserving it
You could weight it and it would feel light
Sow it and it would grow
What if there was as much love as the ocean

Love is the strongest currency
But i am a pauper who sold her gold
I beg from strangers
Because those familiar
Are paupers too
and begging in another bowl.

Reflection

Where should I look for my reflection, 

Instagram, Twitter or Facebook? 

Should I look at my camera roll 

The books I read 

My email subscriptions 

Or my desktop wallpaper?

Should I see it in the choices I made

My job, my marriage?

Or the accidents that happened in life 

My friends, my old lovers, my roommates 

Should I see it in my salary slip 

Or in the food I order

My choice of poison 

My brand of cigarettes

The color of my nail paint 

The tv shows I watch 

Where is my true reflection?

Certainly not in the mirror 

Tainted by conventional wisdom 

Should I go stand by a river 

And stare in silence 

Ponder in peace 

About my existence? 

Is my identity only my marriage 

Or do I deserve my own story 

Can I not have a dichotomy

Or should I pretend it doesn't exist 

How do I stop a storm in my brain 

Pretend I am completely sane 

Do I bury my desires in the name of morality 

Or do I take every chance in my one life to live 

I chased your shadow when I was with you 

I chased it when I was single

I can't stop chasing it until

The shadow breaks its silence 

Is it a mind trick to stop thinking 

Or to make the heart stop beating

Kundera said life is light 

I don't want to let go 

Some dead ends can lead to a golden stream 

If we have the courage to dream 

And break down the red brick wall 

That stands so stubborn and tall

I tried fighting those questions

That's what I see in my reflections 

Questions, so many questions.

The story of a depressed alpha male (prologue)

Casting a shadow over himself, 

He hides in the shelf, 

'Come out, come out'; she calls, 

Unheard behind those walls

Stuck in a bell jar

Is a black hole that was once a star.  

Fall and Rise

Before leaving for Ladakh I had  a strange feeling that I might never come back. I was afraid that AMS or something else could take my life. That is why I actually made it a point to meet everyone before the trip – mom, dad, Shruti, Tarka (the drive through the rain), Avadhoot, office gang, of course my husband, and even his friends. I was sad that I couldn’t meet my sister but we spoke on the phone.

In Ladakh, our gang of 13 strangers went to the confluence of the Indus and the Zanskar rivers. Indus is India’s pride, all vegetation and life is presumed to thrive on the banks of Indus while the Zanskar flows all the way into Pakistan. We decided to go rafting in the Zanskar river. We got dressed in river shoes, body suits and life jackets. The leader rafter; Sanjay, gave us safety instructions before starting. He asked if anyone has done rafting before. Few had; including me. I said I had done rafting in Kolad. He said that Kolad is a warm river while Zanskar will be freezing. Zanskar has whirlpools which can pull you in while the rapids in Kolad are not that dramatic. Sanjay’s safety instructions included information on what to do in the following conditions:

When you fall from the raft – hold the rope encircling the edges of the raft

When you fall few feet away from the raft – look up at the sky to stay afloat and the raft leader will pull you up by holding your life jacket from the shoulders

Someone asked what if you fall and drift 10 to 20 feet away from the boat; he said; “good question!”.

He explained that in that condition he will throw a rope and one has to catch the mouth of the rope; which has a solid handle. He will pull at the rope to get the person near the raft and then the same rules follow: look up, hold the rope and he will lift you from the life jacket.

Now we were off on our rafting expedition. We were on 2 rafts; 6 in one, 7 in another. Sanjay was in the other raft but we had a younger leader. The first rapid was massive. It shook us right, left, up and down but we stayed put. After that there were no rapids for quite sometime – only beautiful landscapes to behold. Suddenly our leader spotted a whirlpool and started screaming –

Row forward! Get in !

Before we knew it, I was no longer on the raft. I was in the Zanskar river! Our raft had inverted completely!

I tried to recollect the safety instruction 1. Look up. I did that. I was atleast 19 feet away and going farther way from the other raft. I cried for help. Sanjay threw the rope and thank god I caught it by its mouth. I started pulling the rope and going ahead. Then I remembered safety instruction 3. Keep holding the mouth of the rope. So I held it back again and signaled him to pull. He pulled me and I reached near the raft. Phew.

I immediately held the rope tied to the edge of the raft.

Behold! Just as I was about to be pulled to safety another whirlpool pulled me into the water. I told myself to look up. I came out of the water gasping but I did not let go of the rope.  Sanjay asked me to close my mouth or the water will go in. Then in one powerful stroke he pulled me up. I was safe. I didn’t speak for 5 minutes and then I screamed; “guys, I am alive!!”. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew were all under the raft which was completely inverted. Luckily, they all held on to the rope on the edge or to someone’s jacket. One by one each of them were pulled up by our raft leader. Sanjay saved me first as I was alone and then went for the rest of them. All this happened in about 5 minutes. Thankfully we were all safe. The raft leader of the other raft managed to set his boat upright. There were 2 boys in canoes, also helping us out. The rest of the rafting journey was a beautiful and peaceful one. Once the rapids were over, people jumped into the water too. Everyone admired my presence of mind, calmness and bravery. Even the instructor said that most people panIc in this situation but ‘aap bombaywal hain’. He felt glad that I caught the rope. I am glad too! I felt really special. I feel extremely lucky to be alive!

I feel more courageous after Zanskar. Having been brought up to fear and be cautious, I felt a whole new liberation. I also thanked God, the universe and Budha for this experience.

Marilyn and Kennedy

She was impulsive in a self destructive manner
But he was self destructive in an impulsive manner




disclaimer: views expressed are the author's imagination.